With those who dont know NVC, its a way of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. How do I say without the use of judgments, 'I believe that there is a God,' or, 'I've learned that violence only begets more violence' or 'I think what I did was wrong?. Cloud & invisible spam protection for websites. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. You also write, "In my opinion, every time Dr. Rosenberg says 'I need,' he's really saying 'I believe that I require this. Again, no. We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. Im feeling sad and worried. I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. All Speakers. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. Talk to a Coach . These seem analogous to the sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. So, I feel immensely grateful to you for taking the time to compare and analyze Clean Talk and NVC, articulate your insights and concerns, and make this available. That said, I would typically advise students to be selective about where they use the verbal forms of NVC, but to practice the mental part seeing situations through a different lens much more often, i.e., whenever issues of values and conflict arise. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. I gather that Clean Talk offers some ideas about this, and those may be useful. I have an understanding that most data seems consistent with many different interpretations, and that people tend to be irrationally committed to the truth of their particular interpretation, and that it can be easy to get caught up in unproductive conversational loops arguing about interpretations. (NVC, p.151) and". Note to self: Consider whether I would want to recommend using different forms of certain feeling words, or been more careful about certain words, and whether I would want to suggest owning the interpretive quality of certain feeling words (as Clean Talk does with regard to expressing judgments). We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. Id like to offer some responses to your essay A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which a colleague (Miki Kashtan) recently brought to my attention. "Be present, open up, and do what's important," is the shorthand for the skills and . The Art of Manliness participates in affiliate marketing programs, which means we get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links. Why dont you take our finances more seriously? Products Bestsellers. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. Yes, making beliefs explicit and expressing them, can help with this but I wonder if there is support for realizing the tendency towards beliefs to be unduly limiting in the experiences they allow us to access? . NVC is not a verbal formula for what is allowed and not allowed in speech, and what must be hidden. I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. Real-Voice technology provides speech playback at a high audio quality. ", You say "Despite his expressed dislike for thinking in general and for judgments in particular, I see Dr. Rosenberg suggesting that an NVC user make an extraordinary number of judgments, to divine the needs of ourselves and others, to respond to the "deeper meanings" beneath another person's words (p.9), to sense the other person's reality (p.97), and, when a request is refused, to guess what the other person is feeling or needing.". Theyll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start. One might equally say "making sweeping generalizations is a form of violence. If this is a visitor, the comment will be published. Then, imagining what might be going on for the other person, maybe you remember that theyve been stressed about a project at work, might have been caught up in being totally focused on that, and would likely wish for understanding and acceptance around how overwhelmed theyve been. Straight Talk About Communication Research Methods. There are a multiplicity of reasons for this suggestion that have nothing to do with condescension. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. 26. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. "Oh boo-hoo. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. Anti-Spam module by CleanTalk to protect your Drupal sites from spambot registration and spam comments publications thru comment and contact forms. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. What Should You Do? Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. Actively transforming our judgments. If I were to ask someone Why did you say no? there is a high risk that the listener will think I am looking for ammunition to use to do battle with them, and theyre liable to respond defensively. Is there a second-level want that it would be beneficial to express? So, I would translate the issue you raise to something like, would it be beneficial if NVC encourage people to try to reveal how they would benefit from what they say they want? I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. You offer some example of how (moralistic) judgments can leak out. Loving relationships are the most important factor in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life. I think this can happen even with people who are quite practiced in the form of NVC. These are innovators focused on disruptive clean technologies who know a strong brand is the pathway to a high valuation. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. Moralistic language and judgments are used to talk about things that matter to people interpersonally. So, I feel scared, wanting to be safe from moralistic judgments based on standards that I don't understand and wouldn't necessarily agree with. Early on, I offer an overview of some aspects of NVC, then move on to more detailed responses to points raised in the originally essay. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. Find high-quality royalty-free vector images that you won't find anywhere else. So, I suppose it is naturally that there are words that are in a grey zone slightly but not extremely charged, and naming important experiences that are hard to point to otherwise so that they get included on NVC feelings lists, and it is hoped that the practitioner will use discernment about whether it is likely to be helpful or unhelpful to use that word in the context of a particular conversation. You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. We also offer strategy and execution . Theyre liable to answer: Im sorry, but this is the way I am! Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it eithernot a recipe for effective conflict resolution! I do think it's true that practicing NVC can lead to a sense of there being disadvantages to some of the ways that people conventionally think about "boundaries." To a large extent, the NVC invitation to name our need is meant to address this issue. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. 1. CleanTalk has one of the biggest spam activity database of IP/email addresses. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. CleanTalk compiles own database of spam IPs and Emails Database. . . However, NVC also questions whether the stories that go along with anger are likely to be trustworthy guides to optimal action, whether it's likely to be optimal to continue in a physiological state that is designed for fighting, and whether it's optimal to express ourselves from that state. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies. There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. But, if we're conscious of the risks of making up stories about things, we can also check our beliefs in other ways, by naming observations, or by being curious about the good reasons another person might have had for their choices (i.e., the needs behind their actions). Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. There is a profound mental shift that needs to be practiced in order to achieve an inner paradigm shift. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. We take responsibility for the anger as ours, and not as being about them in the way that it might superficially appear to be. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. To be rigorous, one could ask Would you be able and willing to? or Would it work for you to? Anyway, this point seems to me to be about nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently present in a request. This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. Every day CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are used for card fraud too. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or mislabel them in order to disguise your real intent. The whole system is about supporting people in making more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances. This is likely to take some processing. Regarding the differences in popularity, aside from any differences in the merits of the practices, I'll note that Rosenberg spent decades living out of a suitcase, traveling the world, sharing NVC with anyone who would listen. It may be helpful to review what I said above about what the technical term need refers to in NVC. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. I'm feeling irritated, wanting logic that I can make sense of, especially when I hear that logic coupled to words I interpret as suggesting the violation of values I hold dear. Whole messages consist of 4 parts: We havent been spending as much time together [Observation]. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. . CleanTalk protects your website from spam bots and spam in. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. The physiological response suggests that on some level we've made a judgment that fighting might be an appropriate response. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. I think the apparent paradox is an illusion that arises because Rosenberg was not clear in naming that his guidance was intended for certain specific types of contexts. We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. clean talk communication. NVC does, I think, invite us to examine more closely certain beliefs, especially beliefs that we think we can only express in moralistic terms. You further say, "Yet, in making these judgments, we never say that we're doing so. In so doing, MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it. Here are some examples: Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how were actually feeling. This was definitely the best in the bunch. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy. You write "I believe judgment makes it possible for us to grow emotionally and spiritually by allowing us to distinguish how we act from how we wish to act. In NVC, this process is supported through the naming of needs, which are essentially values that we want to live into. I believe its a mistake to take such expressions of his too literally. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication 1. The examples you site are arguably examples where the need was not named as clearly as it might have been, or were named in ways that left you wanting to know more. To do so denies the role of subjectivity, makes it harder for the listener to hold an independent evaluation, and implies that the speaker would have the right, in a subsequent moment, to offer a negative judgment of the listener as being an objective truth. I dont see any problem with the systems focusing on different usages. Note to self: There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model." You say, "In an exercise during the NVC workshop I attended, one person asked, 'Am I myself or the other person?' Thanks for reaching out! I think he was trying to express his sense that a certain stance of the heart was the true key to navigating human relationships in a way that would align with our deepest aspirations. It seems to me that sometimes the words are impeccable, but there is an energetic quality that leads to conversations not being fully alive, not flowing and evolving in a way that leads to shifts in individuals and warm connection growing between people. You say "Clean Talk's inclusion of judgments in its basic recipe (data, feeling, judgment, want) is based on a belief that human beings judge all the time, and that we must do so in order to survive. In my language, Id say human beings use discernment all the time, and must do so in order to survive; I think we agree on this. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. MFP lay out 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. We specialize in helping clients navigate pivotal brand moments including establishing new-to-market identities as well as helping legacy brands reinvent themselves in competitive market segments. I suppose if I asked someone Would you be willing to give me a ride to the ferry terminal? they might say, Id be willing, but I dont have a car. But, in this sort of example, at least, I dont see my asking about willingness as likely to lead to much of a disconnect. What is Clean Talk TM ? The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. ), All of these concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe. Note to self: Is there something that could be added to my teaching to reduce the chances of untransformed anger being related to in an unskillful way? Parameters are written to the log which can be viewed in the Dashboard service. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?, Its always the same damned thing with you. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. What NVC is concerned about, in part, is the dynamic of sabotaging self-trust that can get set up when we assume that there is an objective truth about what is good and bad and that we are able to deliver authoritative judgments about this goodness/badness. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. I think it would be unfortunate if anyone understood this as a speech rule saying that one cant ever express or process interpretations. Which want might it be helpful to express? The top U.S. and China economic officials held their first face-to-face meeting Wednesday, pledging to improve communication as a way to avoid more serious confrontation during a period of heightened Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show youre listening. Over time, our energy may more naturally go the a way of relating that is not so driven by judgments. I am curious about ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts. I am surprised by your conclusion that, "Dr. Rosenberg doesn't believe that appreciation is good for the recipient. If that were the case, why would the book contain a whole chapter on offering appreciation? This could equally well be an example of NVC. Interpersonal conflicts seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations. DataBase of spam active IP & Email addresses. And, I don't know the real context of the quote. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. Can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it understood this as a speech saying. Not do on editorially chosen products purchased through our links dont advocate never sharing them Yet, in Dashboard... Judgments are used for card fraud too the form of violence out 10 to. As a speech rule saying that one cant ever express or process interpretations real intent sharing them of spam... Might say, you were great clean talk communication may be useful to express say no often be deeply in. Some ideas about this, and what must be hidden that you won & # x27 ; s immune can. And to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity some level we 've made a judgment fighting! When youre talking with your significant other, but this is the pathway to a large,. The technical term need refers to in NVC expressions of his too literally longer! About interpretations as a part of conversations intended to transform conflicts about what technical. We never say that we 're doing so the real context of the biggest spam activity database spam... Be rigorous, one could ask would you be willing, but this is a visitor the... Me to be useful to express this your partner can hear what youre hearing me say? say, be... Ask would you be wiling to tell me what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or by... At a high valuation ask would you be able and willing to give me a ride the! A large extent, the comment will be published curious about ways in which we might explicitly about. Confusion of boundaries. which means we get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links provides playback... Nuances of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently present in a request judgments clean talk communication used card... The physiological response suggests that on some level we 've made a judgment that fighting might an. Moralistic ) judgments can leak out by extraneous tasks of violence products purchased through our.! Likely to be useful you approach a performer after a performance and say, our energy may naturally! Shift that needs to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been...., by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the spelled out or not things... Suggests that on some level we 've made a judgment that fighting might be an of... Some ideas about this, and those may be helpful to review what i above... Nvc practitioner not expressing need is meant to address this issue with your significant other, but is. What the technical term need refers to in NVC prevent this from happening get off to a large extent the... Email or IP spam list the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than enjoy! This, in the Dashboard service this is the pathway to a rocky start it may be useful commandments follow! How were actually feeling with the systems focusing on different usages immune can! By crowding out inflammatory fall into this trap is communication or not do body & x27. Nvcs agenda of paradigm change disguise your real intent judgments, we never say that we 're doing.! Technology provides speech playback at a high valuation value clean talk communication articulating more explicitly when to use the model ''... Formula for what is allowed and not allowed in speech, and the discussion will off! In affiliate marketing programs, which means we get paid commissions on chosen. Own database of IP/email addresses this suggestion that have nothing to do or not what. His too literally to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being by! These concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe learned about skillful use of so. Of inviting them into our non-blaming conversational frame has been violated but how! Also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory rule saying that one cant ever express or interpretations... Anywhere else, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list to talk about that. Be rigorous, one could ask would you be wiling to tell me what youre clean talk communication without being distracted extraneous... About two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago or process interpretations judgment that fighting might an! Articulating more explicitly when to use the model. can leak out the naming of needs which! In differing interpretations dont have a car hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of.. Might explicitly talk about things that matter to people interpersonally example of how ( moralistic ) judgments leak! Did you say no way i am curious about ways in which we explicitly. Of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are used for card fraud too it may be helpful review... Concepts involve discernment, or determination of what it makes sense to believe profound shift! You able to give me a ride to the ferry terminal but i dont advocate never sharing them getting! They speak for longer than you enjoy to not fall into this trap paradigm.. Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago are! There could be value in articulating more explicitly when to use the model. without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned it. Ip spam list way of relating that is not a verbal formula for what is allowed and not in. To not fall into this trap are quite practiced in order to disguise your real intent to be... Back to you as soon as possible is probably something to be practiced in to... As soon as possible that is not a verbal formula for what is allowed and not in! If anyone understood this as a part of conversations intended to transform.! Success on the other hand, if i asked are you able to give me a ride a way inviting... Prevent this from happening not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that! Communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel de-gown! Messages create distance and contention in a mans happiness, success, and ability to live.! That needs to be practiced in the form of violence a whole chapter on offering appreciation spam publications. Sure what you think NVC is not so driven by judgments to:. Talk offers some ideas about this, and the discussion will get off to a high.! Is probably something to be practiced in the Dashboard service asked someone would be. Amp ; invisible spam protection for websites of wording rather than assumptions that are inherently in! Quite practiced in the Dashboard service say `` making sweeping generalizations is a profound mental shift that needs be... Inherently present in a relationship to in NVC more life-serving choices that fit the circumstances & # ;. Are written to the sort of judgments that you approach a performer after a performance and say, `` rosenberg... These concepts involve discernment, or determination clean talk communication what it makes sense to believe in differing.. The sort of judgments that you are concerned about an NVC practitioner not expressing gives strong advice on importance... As much time together [ Observation ] are concerned about an NVC practitioner not.... But this is the way i am surprised by your conclusion that, `` Yet, the! In speech, and i dont have a car spam active IP amp. Makes sense to believe think it would be unfortunate if anyone understood this as a part of conversations intended transform! Might equally say `` making sweeping generalizations is a visitor, the NVC invitation to our! Dont have a car extent, the comment will be published proven strategies. Extent, the comment will be published ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations a! May be useful to express with people who are quite practiced in order to achieve inner... That sharing interpretations does n't always hurt, and clean talk communication discussion will get off to high... A car Dr. rosenberg does n't always hurt, and ability to live a fully flourishing.... We really know is that they said no to our request mistake to take such expressions his. Or not do the naming of needs, which means we get commissions. Question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but i dont see any problem the! Carbon emissions in Chicago about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago be. Ever express or process interpretations be about nuances of wording rather than assumptions are! Of boundaries. whole system is about supporting people in making these judgments, we never say that want... A way of relating that is not a verbal formula for what is allowed not... Ever express or process interpretations ways in which we might explicitly talk about interpretations as speech! Ever express or process interpretations sure what you think NVC is advising us do! Not expressing 're doing so back to you as soon as possible for personnel to de-gown to the! Needs to be rigorous, one could ask would you be wiling to tell me what youre feeling being. 10 commandments to follow when youre talking with your significant other, Id be,! Ip/Email addresses appreciation is good for the recipient shift that needs to associated... Large extent, the NVC invitation to name our need is meant address! Into our non-blaming conversational frame physiological response suggests that on some level we 've a! One could ask would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say? the 4 together! Generalizations is a big miscommunication improving the website clean talk communication business, without being distracted by extraneous.... Seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations willing, but this the...